It’s coming up on a year since her mom died, and there are days when it still feels too painful. Today she made the mistake of opening one of the Christmas storage tubs, and there was the stocking she made for Mom as a youngster. Was it some kind of cruel joke that God took her days before her favorite holiday? Jeannie remembered how sad Mom would become when she repacked the tubs every Epiphany. Last year, the family didn’t even celebrate Christmas because of the timing. And right now, she’s finding it impossible to feel any sense of joy for the days ahead. She’s not even sure she can fake being happy for the family’s sake.
If your own grief for someone (or something, like your marriage) feels worse every time you think about the holidays, it makes sense. Grief is painful, no matter how normal and common the emotion. We’re all human, and while we don’t experience grief in the exact same way, it’s a simple truth that we all experience it at times.
For people who are grieving, the holidays unleash a surge of emotions you may not have felt in a while. And no wonder: they deliver reminder after reminder of what or who you lost. Decorating the house. Bringing out the special dishes. Baking those cookies you only make in December. Holidays are made up of moments we can’t forget (including many we probably wish we could forget). When one surfaces as a memory, it reminds us of what’s gone.
Your memories happen unconsciously, so we can’t stop them. We do get to choose what we do with those memories. There are several practical steps we can take to reach an understanding with our grief, including:
- Acknowledge it. Trying to pretend you don’t feel grief only makes it worse. Acknowledge what you’re feeling. Grief isn’t always about feeling sadness. It makes some people angry. Others feel guilty about past words or actions. Whatever you’re feeling is right for you.
- Accept that it’s going to happen because your love continues. No, you didn’t intend to start crying when your sister told the familiar story about Mom and the fireplace. Or laughing out loud during the funeral. Emotions don’t make us weak, they just remind us that we are human.
- Be realistic. Has expecting the holidays to be perfect ever worked out for anyone? No matter how badly you want everything to be just like it was, that’s not going to happen. Things are different now, and that’s part of the grief.
- Shrink your calendar. When you’re grieving, it’s not rude to turn down social engagements and visitors. It’s actually part of keeping yourself healthy. Your cousins may be disappointed when they don’t see you, but they’ll be that much happier when they see you next year.
- Build boundaries. Boundaries aren’t barriers to keep other people out … they’re clear expectations of how we want to be treated in situations. If you don’t want to be a part of a holiday tradition because it’s going to overwhelm you, you have permission to skip it (even if that hurts someone’s feelings).
- Give yourself grace. Many people are generous with the grace they offer the others around them, but they forget to do the same for themselves. It’s okay if you don’t want to be festive, because you’re taking care of your needs in the way that feels right to you.
- Spend “alone” time to replenish your reserves. Seeking quiet places where you can reflect and recharge away from other people can reduce your stress and help you attend to your grief. There will be times you’ll want to be around others, but it’s okay to need and to plan private moments, too.
- Support helps. It’s important to reach out to people we trust for support. People may not know what to say or do, so it’s okay for you to guide them. “You know, I actually like it when people talk with me about Mom.”
- Create traditions. Traditions are at the heart of many of our interactions with others, but after losses, it’s often helpful to replace those that cause pain with new ones. Maybe instead of the big dinner, everyone spends the afternoon cooking at a soup kitchen. Yes, life has changed, but it still surrounds us with meaning and joy.
- Honor your loved one. Few things are as uncomfortable as people clearly being afraid to mention your loss. Use the holiday as an opportunity to celebrate what was. Look through photos, tell funny stories, or light a candle at the dinner table as an acknowledgement.
Care to Change has developed a long list of resources for people who are experiencing grief during the holidays or any time of year. We’ve had great discussions about several grief-related topics on our podcast, and you can find all the episodes for free on our website. Our blog also provides helpful, practical advice. In addition, the Resources page on our website includes more than a dozen books, podcasts, and other information to help you better understand what you or a loved one may be feeling.
If what you’re facing seems overwhelming and beyond your control, the best solution may be to have a conversation with one of our professional counselors. When you share your feelings with a counselor, they won’t judge you. They want to give you the support and skills you need to help yourself keep moving forward. We’re here to help.