When most of us think about childhood, we think about wonderful, carefree times before we learned about bills and mortgages. As we contend with the many struggles that are part of adulting, we look wistfully at the young ones around us and envy their lack of anxiety.
The kids will tell you a different story. It’s sad, but for many of today’s young people, significant stress is a daily part of life. For more than few, that’s compounded by pressure from the adults in their lives to perform at the top. Whether the pressure involves academics, participation in competitive sports, other extracurricular demands, or social expectations, today’s young people experience levels of stress and performance anxiety far beyond what their parents knew.
Parents instinctively want to help their children succeed while minimizing the anxiety they face, but their well-intentioned efforts often fall flat. Your tweens and teens aren’t looking to you to fight their battles or offer easy answers. They need you to be there to listen carefully to their words, validate what they feel, and help them develop resilience rather than demand perfection. We know that might not sound easy, but there are many strategies that have worked well for other parents, among them:
- Recognize stress. We tend to think of stress as a bad thing, but some of it actually helps us overcome challenges. Stress is part of how our brains and bodies prepare for competition and similar moments. But when stress reaches the point where it becomes difficult for your kids to function, enjoy what they’re doing, or simply feel good about themselves, it becomes damaging. Left unaddressed, it tends to lead to low self-esteem, a tendency to avoid anything that appears to be challenging, and even depression.
- Tailor the environment. To help kids better manage stress, they need to be in an environment that supports them. Even if you think it’s obvious, make sure they know their worth doesn’t depend upon how they perform. When they know they will be loved and valued no matter what happens, they gain an emotional safety net and the courage to test themselves through new challenges. Don’t concentrate solely on outcomes. When you praise them for the effort they put into practicing or studying, you remind them of its critical role in their success.
- Share stories. Don’t be afraid to talk about your own experiences with stress and failure. Tell them about a situation or challenge that pushed you to your limits. Kids don’t always realize that their parents have faced tough times, and when they see how adults can struggle and bounce back, they’ll understand that setbacks are a normal part of life.
- Manage expectations. That includes your own expectations, as well as theirs. One of the biggest contributors to anxiety is unrealistic expectations, which often come from parents, authority figures, and the kids themselves. Encourage them to set smaller goals they’ll be more likely to achieve, which will build their confidence. Talk to them about the pressure they feel and how they cope with it.
- Protect downtime. Too many of today’s kids grapple with overwhelming schedules packed full of school and other activities. Being constantly busy contributes to chronic stress and anxiety. Having downtime is essential for everyone’s mental and emotional health, because it helps kids process their emotions and recharge for what’s ahead. Encourage quiet time, unstructured play, and activities that use creativity for fun, not measurable results.
- Support health. Three of the best remedies for stress are sleep, nutrition, and exercise. That’s why it’s important for parents to encourage balanced meals, regular bedtimes, outdoor activity, and limited screen time. When you teach kids to care for their brains and their bodies, it reinforces the idea that self-care is a critical part of success, not an alternative to it.
- Teach regulation. Children don’t automatically know how to regulate their emotions or contend with negative self-talk. They learn skills by watching others and through guidance. When you help them develop and practice stress reduction strategies like deep breathing, visualization, mindfulness, and positive self-talk, you equip them with effective ways to reduce stress throughout their lives, so they become happier adults.
- Normalize mistakes. Kids are naturally afraid to fail, especially if they’ve been led to believe that mistakes are unacceptable. When you discuss mistakes openly – both theirs and your own – and focus on the lessons those mistakes provide, they’ll recognize them as opportunities to learn and grow.
If it seems like your teen or tween’s stress levels and worries about performance are bigger than you’re comfortable handling on your own, why not schedule a session with one of Care to Change’s professional counselors? They’ll be happy to sit down with both of you to better understand the situation and recommend the best way to proceed. Counseling will do more than help your child become better at managing stress. It can also strengthen your relationship with them in ways that last a lifetime.