When kids think about becoming adults, they focus on what they’ll do, where they’ll live, the places they’ll go, and all the freedoms they’ll enjoy. They don’t daydream about having to take care of the people in their lives.
Often, that role appears suddenly, when a parent, sibling, or child faces a major health crisis. Other times, it happens so gradually that you don’t even realize you’ve become a caregiver. They’re simply doing what needs to be done for someone else. That could mean preparing meals, keeping track of medications, driving to appointments, talking with doctors, handling insurance paperwork, doing laundry, paying bills – even just making sure someone is safe. And sometimes it’s leadership.
The problem is that caregivers, no matter the role, sometimes become so focused on other’s needs that they stop noticing their own.
Here are 5 ways to take care of yourself so that you can care better for others.
1. Pay attention to your own needs, too.
Caregiving can wear you out physically, but the emotional load can be even more exhausting. There’s always something to remember and something else that needs attention. Your mind keeps flipping back to a mental checklist and envisioning potential problems. Did Mom take her medication? Should I call the doctor again? What if Dad falls while I’m at the grocery store? Is my husband really feeling better, or is he just saying that because he knows I’m tired?
It’s easy to ignore your own needs or to push them aside when the person you’re caring for needs something. But if you neglect your own physical and emotional needs, it’s eventually going to catch up with you and create even more problems.
2. Give yourself permission to feel what you feel.
Whether or not they admit it, most caregivers struggle with guilt. Caregiving creates complicated emotions, and when they surface, caregivers often blame themselves. They feel guilty when the stress of caregiving makes them feel tired, resentful, or even angry. When they’re taking a break or doing things they enjoy, they may feel selfish because they’re not with the person they help. Having those feelings doesn’t mean you love the person you’re caring for any less. It just means you’re human.
Admitting to those feelings and not seeing them as personal shortcomings is the first step. When you feel tired, think about everything you’ve done. Wish life could go back to what it was before the person needed your help? That’s normal, too. So instead of beating yourself up because you’re not the perfect caregiver, accept the fact you’re human – and a good, caring person who is doing your best in a difficult situation.
3. Take care of yourself.
Every time you get on an airliner, you get a great reminder of the importance of self-care. As the flight attendants explain the oxygen masks, they always remind you to put your mask on before you help someone with theirs. If you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t have the strength, energy, and emotional well-being to care for someone else.
Taking care of yourself doesn’t have to mean spa days, expensive vacations, or elaborate wellness routines. It’s all about the basics you already know. Are you eating reasonably? Getting enough quality sleep? Keeping your own medical appointments? Moving your body? Spending time with people you enjoy? Doing at least some of the things that make you feel like yourself? Those may seem like little things, but little things matter a lot.
4. Let other people help, too.
When someone offers help, it can seem vague because they may not understand what’s involved. Since you know what needs to happen (or what would make your life easier), respond to their offer with specific tasks that will reduce your workload. Maybe they can drive Dad to that appointment on Thursday. Ask them to bring dinner or pick up groceries for you. Suggest they sit with Mom for a couple of hours so you can get your hair cut.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help, either. Caregivers often convince themselves they’re the only person who’s capable of doing everything correctly – and that asking for help feels like admitting they can’t cope. Trying to shoulder everything on your own only leads to exhaustion, frustration, and resentment.
5. Remember that you’re more than a caregiver or leader. In other words, you aren’t the role you’re in.
Providing care may be dominating your days right now – but it’s something you’re doing, not your entire identity. You’re still a spouse, parent, sibling, friend, coworker, neighbor, reader, gardener, traveler, music lover, and all the other things that have always been part of you. Someone you love needs care, and you have stepped forward to provide it. That’s an extraordinary expression of love.
Again, remember to take care of yourself. If caring for someone is leading to constant exhaustion, trouble sleeping, irritability, anxiety, withdrawing from friends, losing interest in activities you normally enjoy, or feeling like you simply can’t keep going, it may be time to seek additional support. That support might come from family members, friends, your church, a caregiver support group, or respite-care services. Another option is sitting down with a professional counselor. While talking with a counselor probably won’t change your present situation, it offers a space where you can be completely honest about what you’re feeling – and a source of strategies to cope with the challenges and self-doubt.