Our lives include many difficult moments, but few provide as much pain and grief as the loss of a child. No matter what the circumstances of that loss may be – illness, suicide, an accident, or a miscarriage or stillbirth – it’s no exaggeration to say that a piece of your heart, your hope, and your future is gone. Life will never feel the same again.
People who care about you are often unsure about the best ways to provide compassion and the support you need. They may make suggestions or say things they hope prove helpful – like “everything happens for a reason” – but that only deepens what you’re feeling. Often, people become so uncomfortable or worried about saying anything at all, and their silence can feel even worse. They may even be afraid to mention your child’s name. Because they don’t know what to say or do, they may even pull away from you when you need them most.
Some people believe that grief over the loss of child should follow a predictable pattern or timeline, and at some point you should be ready to “move on.” But there are no patterns, no schedule, and no easily followed list of steps that will magically erase what you’re feeling. You’ll start feeling better, and then you’ll see something that brings the rush of memories and the tears.
Grief is intensely personal and completely unpredictable. No two parents react to it the same way, and each day brings a different mix of feelings. There may be sadness, guilt, anger, and even joyful moments that appear unexpectedly. Some parents cry frequently, while others feel too numb to generate tears. Some look to rituals and memorials to keep the thoughts of their child alive, while others only want solitude and space. The way you’re grieving may be the right way for you – and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Right now, you may feel more alone than you ever have. But you’re not alone. Many parents have traveled this confusing and exhausting road before you. Their stories may be different from yours, but you share a pain only other parents can understand. When someone tells you of the loss of their own child, they’re not trying to top your pain. Instead, they’re saying they understand your feelings and are offering proof that you’ll survive.
There’s no need for you to explain or try to justify your feelings, and you don’t have to be strong for other people. It takes time to learn how to live with your loss, and each of us does it differently. Some share stories, some create art, some do something like planting a tree in the child’s favorite park. Others just want to hear people mention their child’s name. Your love for your child will never end and you’ll think about them every day. So be gentle with yourself and give yourself grace. There will be good days and days when the pain demands your complete attention. It’s all part of the journey you’re on.
For most parents, connection with others is helpful and healing. Whether that involves speaking with a counselor, joining a support group, or sitting down with another parent who lost a child, being around people who will respect your pain and won’t suggest you dismiss it is helpful. If you feel like you’ve been struggling for too long, or if you’re just not sure what to do next, consider talking with one of our professional counselors who can help you process what you’re feeling and validate the love you’ll never lose.