Stephanie loves the holidays. Starting the week before Thanksgiving, Stephanie’s life becomes completely focused on the many tasks the season brings. There’s the shopping, planning and preparing all the meals, all the decorations, the parties for the kids’ classrooms and the Sunday School kids, all the cleaning, all that money, remembering to ask the Andersons for their folding chairs – plus making all that and more fit around work and the family’s everyday needs. Somehow, she manages to make it all happen.
But there’s one need Stephanie always fails to prepare for: herself. While Tom and everyone else praise her efforts and thank her for making the holidays so nice, she’s so stressed and exhausted that she misses the joy. Stephanie isn’t alone in that. So many people spend so much time preparing for everything they have to do that they neglect to prepare themselves for all the emotional challenges the holidays bring.
Many people talk about “surviving” the holidays, but we think a better goal is being able to find joy amid the chaos. Know what? You can do just that by making a few simple adjustments like these:
- Decide what holidays mean. The holiday season means different things to different people, even within families. That can cause us to do things because they’re important to those around us, rather than because they bring us joy. Take time to reflect on what you enjoy about the holidays, and then figure out how you can devote more of your time to them. Let go of what you don’t enjoy.
- Learn how to say no. The holidays bring invitations, requests, and commitments – and saying yes to everything is a recipe for feeling exhausted instead of joyful. Don’t listen to anyone else: you control your own schedule. You don’t have to attend every party, host whenever asked, or participate in every gift exchange. Skip events you don’t find meaningful or enjoyable.
- Enforce your boundaries. Don’t think of boundaries as a way to block people out. They’re simply standards we set for how we expect others to treat us, and a way to protect our time and energy. You don’t have to spend an entire afternoon with your crabby cousin if you don’t want to. If you want to leave the family party right after the meal instead of watching football with everyone, that’s up to you and nobody else.
- Give with meaning. Too many of us spend far too much money on holiday gifts, and way too much time trying to find the perfect gift. So start with a budget and stick to it. Instead of buying something, write a heartfelt letter, create a gift such as a special craft, offer to clean up the yard in early March, or donate to their favorite cause in their honor. Those mean more than another present.
- Have your getaway. It might be the bathtub, a chair in the sunroom, a walk through a nearby park, or even staying in bed longer on weekend mornings. Find a place where you can be alone and comfortable, and then make time for it. We never have as much “spare” time as we expect. So block some downtime into your daily schedule and then follow that schedule. Use the time to rest, relax, and reflect on what’s important to you.
- Accept imperfection. Many people grew up in families where holidays had to be perfect, and it’s not a big surprise that most still see this time of year as a long checklist or a performance review instead of a celebration. (We suspect many of your favorite holiday memories come from things that went wrong in funny ways.) It’s okay to scale back, replace the roast ham with a taco bar, and even make some mistakes. Imperfection is authentic, and you can find an abundance of joy in what’s real.
- Step offstage. Your grandmother was the center of attention every Christmas, until she passed away and the crown passed to your mother. Now it’s your turn to deliver a perfect performance, because anything less will ruin the holiday for everyone else, right? Don’t spend every event chasing perfection and performing tasks. Silence your phone. Enjoy the company and the conversation. We remember the people who have been truly present in our lives. Let’s do the same for them.
- Welcome help. Maybe the way your sister-in-law stirs her green bean casserole drives you crazy, but if she’s doing it, that means you don’t have to. Putting on any kind of holiday event demands a lot of time and work. Take advantage of anyone who offers to help – and if they don’t offer, volunteer them. “Janie, could you bring the potato salad this year?” Not only does that mean less work for you, but it makes them feel like they’re playing a bigger part.
We want the holidays to enrich our lives, not deplete our energy and irritate every last nerve. When you prepare for the season by using the strategies we’ve outlined here, you’re going to be surprised how much you enjoy yourself. Not sure how to start? Many people find it valuable to discuss topics like these with a professional counselor. Not only do counselors help people better understand themselves and why they react in particular ways, but they can draw upon their own experiences and education to offer practical solutions. Why not set a time before the holidays get in the way?