Last year, I got burned. Really badly. Someone in my circle falsely accused me. It was awful. No matter what steps I took, there was no reconciling. I was shocked. Confused. Hurt. You can imagine how difficult it was. As someone who lives according to principles, I felt betrayed to my very core.
Ever been there? Had someone say something untrue about you? Felt betrayed?
Experiencing betrayal—whether from a friend, partner, family member, or colleague—can be one of the most painful and disorienting emotions to navigate. Feelings of hurt, anger, sadness, and confusion can feel overwhelming. Betrayal can leave deep emotional scars that take so much time to heal.
It was a painful process. But through it, I learned there are steps that guide us toward healing, regaining our bearings, and moving ahead with resilience, integrity, and self-assurance. The steps that helped me overcome those feelings included:
- Admit the feelings and tend to them. Betrayal stirs intense emotions, among them anger, grief, confusion, sadness, and even shame. Trying to ignore or bottle them up only prolongs the healing process. Instead, it’s essential to give yourself permission to feel those emotions fully. Judging ourselves isn’t helpful, and all the emotions we experience are simply giving us information. There’s not such thing as a “wrong emotion” to feel. Instead, we need to recognize that it’s okay to feel hurt, angry, or devastated. I found that writing what I felt in a journal helped me clarify my thoughts and emotions. Expressing those feelings in a healthy way is also crucial. Talking with people I trusted and sharing some good-old-fashioned tears were part of the healing process. (Yes, therapists cry too!)
- Understand the impact. Betrayal can shake your sense of trust, safety, and confidence. That’s why taking time to understand the depth of the betrayal and its impact on your emotions and life can help you make better decisions moving forward. Reflect on what happened, how it feels, and how it changes your view of the person involved. There’s not need to rush into decisions. Instead, give yourself time and space to reflect on the consequences of their behavior and what you need to begin healing. Also, consider your relationship with the other person. Was the betrayal a one-time event or part of a pattern? Did their behavior align with the values of trust and respect you need – and deserve – to maintain a relationship? Sometimes, the healthiest next step is allowing for a necessary ending in a relationship, even when it is painful.
- Establish boundaries. When betrayal involves a violation of your personal boundaries, it’s essential to protect yourself as you move forward. Those boundaries will help you reclaim emotional safety and protect against additional exposure. It’s up to you to decide if you need emotional or physical distance from the person who betrayed you. Your first priority is your own emotional health and integrity, whether that requires limiting contact, clarifying your needs, or ending the relationship. Boundaries are essential in healing and moving forward. And a reminder: just because someone doesn’t like the boundaries you set, doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t set them!
- Protect your inner circle. As a trusted person told me, “Not everything that is true needs to be said. But everything said must be true.” That aligned with my values, and I understood it was up to me to decide who would hear my side, regardless of what anyone else may have heard or thought. Put another way, oversharing with other people can be harmful, especially those who don’t have your best interests at heart. Decide who you can share with and how much they should hear. Create a statement to use when people outside your inner circle start to pry, or you hear rumblings around you. And also remember, speaking ill of the person who betrayed you will not right their wrong.
- Seek support. Dealing with betrayal can feel isolating, but there is no reason to go through it alone. Talking to a trusted friend or family member can offer emotional relief and valuable perspective. Sometimes, hearing another person’s viewpoint or simply having someone listen can bring clarity and healing. If you’re not entirely comfortable discussing it with those closest to you, consider sitting with a professional counselor. Not only will the counselor be able to help you work through the emotions, grief, and trust issues that come with betrayal, but you don’t have to worry about them sharing with anyone else. Steer clear of gossip and backbiting, because nobody wins by using retaliation.
- Prioritize self-care. Be kind to yourself during the healing process. Don’t let the betrayal define your worth. While it doesn’t feel good, it is okay to acknowledge hurt. When negative thoughts arise, stick to the truth and focus on the things you can control. Take time to care for yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally. Engage in activities that nurture and restore you. That may involve exercising, meditating, reading, or spending time in nature – whatever helps you rest and restore.
- Allow yourself to forgive. Forgiveness is hard – very hard, in fact – but it’s a powerful step that will help you release the anger and resentment you feel. Forgiveness is not about excusing the betrayal and doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship will continue. Instead, it means you release the person from causing negative impacts to your life if it’s unhealthy. There is no rush for this. Forgiving someone else can happen at different speeds for different people so it is a highly personal process. Remember, too, that forgiveness is a gift to yourself that may bring you peace, even if the other person never apologizes or changes.
- Reflect on the relationship. Can it be repaired, or is it beyond repair? Not every relationship is worth continuing after betrayal, especially if the trust cannot be rebuilt with healthy boundaries in place. Is the person genuinely remorseful and willing to change? If not, maybe it’s time to let go and move on. After all, healthy relationships are built on mutual trust and respect.
- Take time to heal. If you break a leg, you know you’re not going to be on the dance floor anytime soon. Emotional injuries from betrayal are similar. Allow yourself plenty of time to heal and ignore others who insist you “fix things” right away. While you’re healing, practice mindfulness. Activities such as regular prayer will help release the emotional grip of betrayal so you can move toward healing. There are no ideal timelines, and some days may feel more difficult than others. Returning to hobbies you enjoy and spending time with people who remind you of your value can help. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate the process.
Betrayal can be incredibly painful, but my favorite part of the story was that it reminded me in a profound was that my value is intact regardless of what others say. My calling and purpose do not rest within someone else’s opinion, and someone’s else’s betrayal of my trust doesn’t allow them to be the boss of my future. If you’re struggling with betrayal, let’s do coffee. I’m no master on the topic, but I’ve certainly learned along the way.
April Bordeau is the Director of Care to Change is. A licensed clinical social worker, she has focused on helping children and families overcome challenges in their lives for 30 years.