It happened again this week in line at the supermarket. You told your son he couldn’t buy something, and he collapsed into a loud meltdown in front of all those people. Or your daughter loudly and insistently refused to do what you asked at the family gathering. Or maybe it was another message from your child’s teacher about another classroom disruption.
To parents, situations like these are frustrating, confusing, and often embarrassing. A child who was polite and helpful a year ago seems to have suddenly morphed into anger, rage, or isolation. But behavior that’s often blamed on kids being bad or poorly disciplined is usually about something bigger. Your son or daughter is likely struggling with other emotional issues. Taking the time to discover the why behind the behaviors is the first step helping them heal and regulate.
Young children (and even teens) don’t always have the words to explain what’s happening inside their brains. Their fear and frustration leads them to seek attention in unproductive and destructive ways. In our experience, that kind of behavior is commonly the result of one or more situations:
- Age and stage. Kids bodies and brains are changing at tremendous speed. Add pressure, technology and lack of adequate sleep, and this is a breeding ground for dysregulation, emotional outbursts, and prolonged drama that no parent wants.
- Unresolved distressing events. What counselors describe as distressing is the long-term effect any number of situations can have on a child’s brain and behavior – some might call it trauma. Family crises, abuse or neglect, medical conditions, or the death of a loved one create tough memories and emotional scars. Their brains may react to everyday situations as threats, leading them to respond in out of control ways.
- Social pressure. Everyone deals with social pressure when growing up. Desperate to fit in and feel “normal,” kids become frustrated and confused wondering where they fit in, and why they don’t get included. They may internalize this as something is wrong with them, and then act out in a way to self protect.
- As humans, we thrive on connection, and the presence of others in our lives is one of the best ways to prevent mental illness. Kids may feel isolated or even excluded because of learning differences, bullying, or social media distancing and use acting out as a way making sure they’re noticed.
When kids act out, what do they really want? Most often, their behavior is a desperate attempt to gain three things from the adults around them:
- They’re confused or terrified and want someone to notice how they feel.
- Even in moments of struggle, they want to be valued for who they are.
- Kids don’t need criticisms or insulting labels. They need guidance, structure, and healthy boundaries.
That’s why working with a professional counselor who specializes in helping young people can be so beneficial. Trained mental health counselors don’t just accept unhealthy behavior. We identify the source of the behavior, and then help your child find positive ways to channel the emotional energy that overwhelms them. We walk alongside young people on their journey to better understand themselves and why they react the way they do. We also share tools to help them manage and overcome stress. Counseling helps kids grow their confidence and their sense of self-worth, which improves relationships and informs better decision-making.
Counseling isn’t usually a quick fix, but its results can be life-changing and lasting. If your child’s behavior has become increasingly disruptive, connect with us so that you can find the peace you both want.